Does it Feel Like a "Game" that you "Should" but Don't Want to Play?

Here is a very insightful e-mail from someone who has poured over my material, and probably the material of many others. She describes a powerful dilemma, if not expressed by others, at least felt by others. Here is her e-mail:

It strikes me that you're sending something of a double-bind message in these materials. On the one hand, I'm by no means to consider any of this to be my fault, but on the other, I should set about improving myself, perhaps with the underlying intention of "winning him/her back."

And as I embark on my "improvement" program I find myself in competition with the OP (other person.) Now, how can I "win" that? She gets the candlelight, conversations and sexual excitement of dimly lit hotel rooms. I get the harsh and utterly unforgiving light of day-to-day reality.

Quite right that I need to be fit and happy for myself, but some of this seems like a game to me... a game I seemingly can't win. I'm tired of the game.

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My Response:

Gosh, you hit the nail on the head! THE dilemma: Do I need to play the game better? Or, How do I extricate myself from the game and still care about him?

After all, an affair is a game, initiated usually by someone who is developmentally arrested (most did not "do" adolescence very well), has a character disorder (loves "the game"), Struggles with addictions or suffers from feelings of inadequacy (needs to prove their adequacy or migrates to those familiar feelings of being inadequate).

Because he/she plays the game doesn't mean that you have to. It also means you can (eventually, perhaps) care and "connect" with him/her.

Yes, The affair in NOT your fault. Did you make mistakes? Well, I would assume so! Who doesn't? And really, you don't carry the power to control the behavior of others! :)

Yes, the "improvements" are subtly conveyed as those things we need to do to win the game or get the guy. And, of course, they don't work, or if they work, we get the guy and say, "Hmmmm, is this all there is!?" And, if we pursue these "improvements" to win him/her back we are merely playing the game, and feel this lack of personal integrity.

Not playing the game means standing back, learning about you, seeing the affair for what it REALLY is, and connecting to your partner by making comments "about" him/her, the situation and/or yourself.

For example, you assume this other person is getting something special - and our media does a number on us with their portrayal of "romantic love." It may appear so, but affair relationships have a terribly horrible track record. I get a number of emails from those involved in an affair who feel trapped or on a course of self-destruction. And, usually those relationships self-destruct in very messy ways.

Learning about yourself is very different from "making improvements" you described. You don't have to improve! You need not "get better!" You are ok. But, you do want to grow and create a richer more whole life for yourself and those you touch. This goes beyond a hard body, although a hard body might feel good and be what you want also. But, you want it for you, not to strut and seduce him (although sometimes that is fun!).

Here are some questions you may ask, to move you in the direction of self awareness and away from the game playing:

1. What am I tolerating? What am I willing to tolerate? How and what can I stop tolerating?

2. How can I simplify my life - getting rid of all the relational and physical clutter - so I live from a center of peace (well, sometimes at least)?

3. How do I clear my mind of all the thoughts of what I should've, could've or would've done? How do I throw off the baggage I carry?

4. How do I become a person of extreme integrity - doing that which is right/healthy FOR ME?

5. How do I speak my personal needs in a way that others naturally want to respond, "yes, let me know how I can help you." How do you get beyond your neediness?

6. What do I need to do right now to manage my life (finances, children, body, work, etc.) in a way that gives a sense of well being, where I can say, "This is good!"

7. What boundaries need to surround me to protect my soul, heart and mind from the slings and arrows of toxic people and situations?

8. What are the standards in my life? How can I double my standards to be more fully me?

9. How can I create reserves of time, space, money, energy, opportunity, love, information, wisdom, self and integrity in my life - getting beyond my neediness so I may live bound by purpose?

10. How can I live RIGHT NOW rather than regretting the past or fearing the future?

11. How can I surround me with people I want and who are good for me and me for them?

12. How do I protect what is vitally important for me?

13. How do I orient my life around my values so I feel truly fulfilled by the goals I set and met?

As you move through these questions (and you won't complete this in a couple days, or weeks, or months) declare your thoughts and findings to him/her. Act on tolerating less, let him/her know your boundaries, state your standards, live out your values in his/her presence.

And, feel free to make comments regarding what you observe, or don't observe in his/her life.

Don't compete. Don't try to measure up. Be you. And, be curious about him/her.

I know - easier said than done. But here is a game plan that puts you above the "game."
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Christian Marriage Counseling - A New Year...A New You!!

2008 holds great potential for you...because you are here. You want something different. The affair in your life has been a wake up call. It is a catalyst that puts you on a new superhighway of personal awareness and dedicated action.

You want to learn, to transform your life and your relationships. Yes, you can do it. Yes, you will do it. You want to awaken a new you!

One of you sent me this short article which paints a picture of who you and all of us can become. Read it. Print it out. Carry it with you. Reflect. Have this be your guiding light, your vision for you in 2008. As you do, you will find that you will become exceedingly attractive. Cool!

The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it... When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH!! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate, or approve of who or what you are...and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions). And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.

You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live and what you should do for a living, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children of what you owe your parents. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by gone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn that you don't know everything: it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes.

You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love... and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms...just to make you happy.

And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely...And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up". You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK...and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want... and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch...and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest.

And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve...and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time. FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.

And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
by: Virginia Swift.

Christian Marriage Counseling

Do You REALLY Want to Save the Marriage?

Make sure you don't jump past this question too quickly. It is important!

Actually this question helps you take responsibility and begin the change process.

If you are serious about saving the marriage and want to learn exactly what you can say and do to switch the momentum of the affair and marriage, you must begin with this question.

This question gets at the truth. And, only the ferreting out of the truth will put you on the road to breaking free from the affair, and perhaps saving your marriage - if that is what you REALLY want.

So, take some time. Think hard. Be brutally honest. This is your first step toward breaking free and getting the life and relationship you really want.

Here are just a few of the questions I pose for the "offended" partner for Affair #1: My Marriage Made Me Do it.

1. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you want the feelings of embarrassment and humiliation to end? You thought this would never happen to you. It might be difficult to face family, friends, or coworkers.

Do you mull over what you could have said or done to prevent the affair? Do you think of yourself as a failure and are eager to reclaim your confidence and self-esteem?

2. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you long for the way it used to be? Do you long for the predictability and the seeming comfort of your marriage in past days? Do you assume that by getting your marriage back, to where it was, things will be better? (Note: You will never go back. It will never be the same. Those days are gone and will not return. Your relationship will be different, guaranteed. It can be better!)

3. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you miss your old role - of being the strong one, the one in control and the one who held it together? (This does not apply in all kinds of affairs.) Do you feel lost, not sure of whom you are, what to do and "at loose ends?"

Breaking free from the affair and moving toward saving the marriage will mean you will need to develop the freedom to assume different roles and to act differently in the relationship. Do you really want to do that? Are you willing to expand who you are?

4. Do you really want to save the marriage or do you want vindication against the other person? Do you feel like you have lost out to this other person? You came in second? Does that bother the heck out of you and having the "marriage back" would mean that you stick it in the face of the other person?

Is competition stirring your juices?

5. Do you really want the marriage back or do you primarily want to end the pain? The pain of abandonment and being alone can be exceedingly intense. Do you think you can handle it? Endure? Actually learn from it? Or, are you intent upon the affair ending and getting the marriage back to eradicate your pain?

6. Do you really want the marriage back even though you might not like your spouse very much and perhaps you doubted the wisdom of getting married in the first place?

There are innumerable reasons why we marry. Some conscious. Most of them unconscious. Couples who possess rock solid certainty that their marriage was meant to be and had few if any doubts on the wedding day are a rarity.

Give this question some serious thought. Perhaps the affair is a symptom, sign or indication that the marriage was in serious trouble from the get-go. Perhaps not only your spouse, but you have reflected on the validity of the marriage or a secret desire to be somewhere else.

I provide more questions to ponder for this kind of affair and more questions related to "Do I REALLY want to save the marriage?" for the other 6 affairs in Break Free From the Affair.

CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COUNSELING

QUESTION:

He Won't Stop Seeing the OP: Says I Need "Patience"

My husband admitted to the affair, but yet he still continues to contact this person and has asked me to be patient. He said he will need to get her "out of his system" and to give him some time. How do you handle that?

ANSWER:

Ending the relationship with the OP is often a gradual process.

For example, in the 7th kind of affair I describe (I want to be close to someone...which means I can't stand intimacy), ending the affair often takes time. Yes! No! On again! Off again is the scenario.

Affairs also lollygag for those who are "in love"...and just love being "in love" or My Marriage Made me Do it.

So, in particular kinds of affairs, expect a roller coaster ride. You don't have to like it. But be prepared. Breaking off an affair relationship, as in no more contact, may take weeks.

So, let's assume this is your case. Here are a few things to do:

1. You are entitled to set some limits. Keep clarifying the limits, but don't make them ultimatums. You don't want to paint yourself into a corner, especially with this kind of affair. Experiment with phrases such as: "This is extremely difficult for me. I refuse to share you with another person. And, I know it is difficult for you. But, at some point I will draw a line in the sand."

2. "Get at" the specific issues. Ask, "What does it mean to "get it out of your system?" What are a couple or three things you need to "get it out of your system?" (If he/she is open to this exploration, the prognosis is good.)

3. If he/she is reluctant to go there, throw out suggestions. "Is he/she controlling you?" (very often the case). "Does it feel good to be wanted by two people?" "Waffling like this seems to be theme in your life?" "Are you afraid to face the hurt? Are you afraid to lose something?" Allow your voice to trail at the end. Do not be dogmatic. Open the door for discussion.

4. See this as his/her problem. (I know! I know! Easier said than done!) Define your standards. Get your personal needs met. Begin to design the future for you. And tell him/her, "I would like to make it with you, but if not, I will certainly create something wonderful for me."

5. Notice the changes in your relationship. Do you see a movement toward what you really want? Are patterns changing? Is their more effective, in-depth, heartfelt communication? Sometimes the larger picture is comforting.

6. Surround yourself with people who accept and listen to you. Friends/family often blurt out: Get rid of the #$%#$! They fail to understand the complexity and long-term process.

Remember, affairs are exceedingly complex and don't go away easily. You will never forget, although the pain and memories fade over time. As well, it takes, on the average, 2-4 years for most couples to work through effectively the trauma.

Christian Marriage Counseling

Surviving infidelity: The Empathy Challenged Cheating Spouse

Article By Dr. Bob Huizenga

I receive emails daily from spouses whose partner is cheating and having an affair.

A Common complaint is, bottom line, they don’t seem to care or they just don get it (me.)

This, I observe is the result of being with a partner who who lacks empathy and the capacity to enter the world of another person.

After all, this is a primary reason for someone having an affair… they lack this capacity, are truly looking for intimacy, but believe it can only be found “out there” after failing to have the necessary resources, skills, aptitude, insight to get it in relationship with their spouse.

(This is not a put-down. We ALL are challenged in ways in creating intimacy! But, some of us choose not to use an affair to mend our problem.)

Here are some common complaints from the cheated upon spouse about the cut-off and distance:

>>>>>He thinks because the affair has supposedly stopped, I should immediately believe him and never challenge his word.
>>>>>He treats my likes and dislikes as bad, if they differ from his, instead of just different.
>>>>>It is always his way or the highway, never any compromise.
>>>>>He criticizes me “for my own good.”
>>>>>He refuses to give me valid reasons for why I cannot go with him on “business” trips.
>>>>>Talks on cell in car with the other person
>>>>>Comes home late
>>>>>Shares business Emails daily with the other person
>>>>>Gives me his bad side
>>>>>Them working together Their continued “friendship”
>>>>>His confrontation that I perpetuate the anguish because I continue to receive e-mails from self-help

Christian Marriage Counseling - 7 Surefire Ways to Know If Your Boyfriend Feels the Same Way About You!

The first time I met my boyfriend, I knew that he was the one – at least, for the moment, he was. But the first time I realized that I loved him, I almost blurted it out without thinking it through. Catching myself, I realized that I'd better be certain he felt the same way because this was sort of a rebound relationship and he was such a good friend that I didn't want to ruin a friendship at the same time.

Here are the seven ways I knew that my then boyfriend felt the same way about me.

1) He Makes Plans Ahead of Time

A man who plans ahead is something who wants to be with you because he enjoys being with you. He obviously cares about you and wants to make you a priority in his life. Instead of squeezing you into his life, he wants to make sure that the future is filled with fun times with you. Of course, last minute plans are fun too, but a man who plans ahead? That's a guy who's into you.

2) He Isn't Afraid to Introduce You to Others

When you're walking at the mall and you run into a few of his friends, if he introduces you to them, you can be certain that he has already talked about you with them – favorably. This is a man who is committed to the relationship and happy enough to want to share it with the world.

3) He Asks Personal Questions

If you are sitting around, he is going to ask you about your family, your day at work, etc. He wants to know more about you and he isn't afraid to ask because you're someone he cares about and he wants to learn as much as he can about you.

Of course, these questions will probably be limited to family, interests, and hobbies, but when he starts asking about your dreams, you know he's hooked.

4) He Doesn't Shy Away From Hard Conversations

If you come home from work and you've had a rough day, you're probably going to vent these frustrations to anyone who listens.

I know that when I have a bad day, all I want is for someone to listen to me and to tell me that I have every right to be upset. If you're with a man who lets you vent and doesn't run away from the conversation, you have someone who's really special and who really cares.

5) He Remembers Special Days

One time, a man I was seeing remembered the first time he and I had ever met each other – even though I didn't remember.

He surprised me with a rose at my workplace. Before that, I had thought that he really didn't care about me, but once I realized that he had been keeping 'score' of our relationship, I realized that he was deeply interested in being a good man for me and interested in caring about my happiness.

6) He Looks You in the Eye

A man who can and does look you in the eye is a man with nothing to hide. When you are walking to your man about personal feelings, and he looks directly at you, you know that not only is he listening to the conversation, but he's also making sure that you know he's listening. This is a man who's honest and ready to be a part of the relationship.

7) He Likes to Touch You

Men like to express how they feel by touch at times – and this means outside of the bedroom too. When your man holds onto you and touches your shoulders, he is showing that he is proud to be with you and that he really cares about making you feel happy and safe.

I was once with a guy who I though I really liked, but I was hesitant about telling him because it seemed like something was 'off.' He was nice enough and he met my family, who adored him. But he never looked me in the eye and this made me worried. So, instead of sharing with him how I thought I felt, I just let the relationship ride out to see if he would say something first. He did. He was cheating on me with my best friend.

A man who can look you in the eye is someone you can trust not only with your words, but also with your heart. While not every man will fall into all of these seven ways, he should be fitting into most of them.

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Christian Marriage Counseling - What Does Your Man REALLY Want

If there is one question for which every woman wants an answer is what men want. This question crops up in the mind of every woman be it be a teenager going on her first date; a newly wedded wife getting ready for her husband to return from work; a single woman waiting to find the right man; a divorcee trying to rebuild her life.

This question has been asked by women in the past, and will be asked by women in the future too. It is a question that has no easy answers; with each relationship being completely different from another. The best one can do is to explore seven subjects that form the cornerstone of any relationship between men and women. These subjects hold the key for any woman to understand what men want.

1. Sex

What do men want in sex?

How frequent should be lovemaking?

Should it be passionate?

Should women have sex before marriage?

There is little doubt that most men are obsessed with sex. It is a biological need, and men should not be blamed for wanting sex. However, sex alone cannot build a long lasting relationship. It can bring a couple together but it cannot hold them together beyond a certain point.

What a woman must understand is that a man finds happiness and fulfillment in sex. A woman who is willing to reach out and unite in the act of lovemaking is most likely to win a man than a woman who uses sex as a manipulative tool.

Also, men are not ogres. They don’t go to women looking for sex alone. Most of them don’t want their partners to degrade themselves when making love to them. They would rather like all acts of lovemaking to be complete and fulfilling to both.

Men, in fact, agonize more than women if they are unable to excite their partners. This is because men can be easily aroused whereas it takes longer, and more foreplay in the case of women to get aroused.

There is little doubt that a man would like to take a woman to bed as quickly as possible. But few men want to make love if they find their partners are unwilling. Most of them don’t want to hurt or injure the feelings of a woman with whom they have developed a bonding or are in the process of doing so. Also, no man would insist on sex as a prerequisite to marriage.

Yes, every man has his fantasies about sex, and would like frequent and passionate sex with the woman he loves. One-night stands, as the name suggests, are only flings, not relationships.

2. Companionship

What kind of a companion does a man want?

How should women meet those needs?

Men want women with whom they can share their likes and dislikes, their fears and triumphs, their weaknesses and strengths… They want women who can empathize with their failures and revel in their triumphs.

Women who constantly find faults with their men are unlikely to win their love and respect. Every woman must remember that men are vain by nature. They need pampering, and even mothering. At the same time they need emotional fulfillment.

This does not mean that women have to become sports enthusiasts or political analysts to please their men. They only need to provide space to their men to follow their passions.

3. Homemakers

Should women be great cooks to win acceptance?

Should women alone be expected to keep house?

Is it a woman’s job to rear kids?

Today’s men respect the ambitions of women. They don’t want to relegate their wives to the role of a domestic help. They would like their women to do well in life. However, they would not like this to happen at the cost of their own careers.

Most women must realize that every man wants to be the main breadwinner. His male ego gets hurt if he has to depend on his wife to run the home. He would certainly expect his wife to cook for him on at least three to four days a week. He would also expect women to keep the home clean and well kept. The best that a man is willing to do is to extend a helping hand. But the woman has to be the main homemaker.

4. Emotional support

Should women give advice?

Are men open to points of view given by women?

Once again the male ego is too vain. It is not willing to listen easily to the advice given by better halves. Almost every man goes on the defensive when the woman he loves wants to correct him. He may accept the same advice from another male; but would be very reluctant to do so from a woman.

Women should therefore be careful. They should make men feel they can climb Mount Everest, if need be. They must encourage them by constantly telling them how much confidence they have in them. This will bring the best out of every man.

5. Looks matter

Should women doll up for men?

Is a woman’s figure important?

How important is it to dress up especially for men?

Men love beautiful women. They don’t want their woman to look dowdy. This is not only true at the time of dating but even after marriage. Women who allow their figures to slip are likely to loose the interest of their men. This may sound sexist but this is how life is. An attractive woman, who knows how to carry herself, will always turn male heads.

6. Private space

Why do men need time for themselves?

Are they hiding something?

Shouldn’t they share all their thoughts with me?

The best relationships are those where women are willing to wait; where they give time to their men to unwind themselves. They should not rush into their arms the moment they come home, and expect them to unburden themselves. Instead, they should wait for the right time when the man is more ready to share his inner thoughts. Even here, it is important to be patient, and encouraging. Don’t find faults with your man’s thinking; the chances are that he may shut himself off. Each man needs space to sort his thoughts. A woman can help him by being encouraging and understanding.

7. Respect

Do men need more respect than women?

How should a woman behave?

Finally, both men and women need respect if the relationship is to survive. This can only happen if a woman is willing to listen to her man. Also, a woman should respect a man’s interests even though they may be widely different from her. She should allow him necessary space to follow his interests which may be sports, politics or cards.

Women should learn to read between the lines if they want to earn the respect of their men.

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Christian Marriage Counseling - What Does Your Woman REALLY Want

The behavior of women is as much of a mystery to men as that of men is to women. However, one thing is certain. The women love to be wooed. They want to be pursued. They want to be courted. They want men to try and win their affection. It’s a great psychological game that both men and women play. The winners enjoy it; the losers end up wondering what went wrong.

To end up as winner men need to understand what women want. Here is a list of seven qualities that every woman expects to see in their men:

1. Well groomed

Do women pay attention to the way a man is dressed?

Do women want men to open doors for them?

Just as men like their women to be pretty, women like their men to be well groomed. They expect their men to be courteous, well behaved and well mannered. Among other things, they expect them to know the social graces. They also expect them to be well dressed, and in tune with the fashion of the day. Men who are loud or bawdy are unlikely to win the attention of sensitive women. The same applies to those men who don’t pay sufficient attention to the way they look.

2. Good listener

Should men do what women want?

Listen carefully to what a woman says

All women want their men to pay attention to what they are saying. Men may not agree with their thinking but they should not make the mistake of looking bored or causal. They must pay attention, even if they don’t intend to do what their women want. The very fact that their point of view was considered before a decision was taken is enough to make the women happy. It is the basis of a strong relationship.

3. Good in bed

What do women want in bed?

Do women like to be forced?

How can women be made happy?

Every woman wants her man to be good in bed. They want to be aroused, and to be sexually fulfilled. The relationship has to be equal in the bed. The man must make an honest effort to fulfill the sexual needs of his women He should, however, not take advantage of a relationship. But he should respect those days when the woman wants to stay off. Women don’t like to be pushed into sex unless they are in a mood to do so. They would much rather prefer being cajoled and cuddled instead of being rushed into sex.

4. Honest and sincere

Do women want to know everything about their men?

Should men tell everything to women?

Two qualities that women value in their men are honesty and sincerity. They don’t want their men to cheat on them or to hold back anything from them. They would like to be equal partners in both the joys and sorrows of their men. Very often men try to hold back their problems related to work or their finances. This is not a good policy. Women feel more wanted and involved when their men take them into confidence. Men should also not try to delude women into false notions. They must gently inform them of their problems without being blunt or cruel. No woman wants to be told that she is ugly, fat or dumb. But, at the same time, they would not like their men to lie to them about their looks.

5. Stable career

How important is financial stability?

Are women after successful men?

Women want stability in their lives. They don’t want to be in a situation where they are forced to scrounge for favors. They would like their men to take care of all basic necessities of life. They would therefore prefer men who are successful and well organized. However, this does not mean that they want to hook the rich and the well placed. This is a wrong notion. Money and success alone is not enough to satisfy a woman.

6. Love for surprises

Should men give lavish gifts to win the love of women?

Gifts that women cherish the most

No woman wants to be tied to home and children. She would like some excitement in her life. This is where men need to be imaginative and thoughtful. The surprises need not be big; they can be as simple as enjoying an evening at the theatre, followed by a dinner at her favorite restaurant or it can be driving down to a resort at the weekend. The joy is multiplied if these bonuses come unannounced.

7. Intelligent and witty

Are witty men more charming?

How does intelligence matter in a relationship?

Women like their men to charm them. They would like them to be intelligent and witty, who can liven up the evenings and make a room come alive. Men who are dull and boring or too obsessed with their own musings are unlikely to enchant women. Women like men who are willing to chat with them on their wavelength.

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CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COUNSELING: How To Love Your Wife Unconditionally

It is hard to find love and unconditional love at that. It can sometimes be hard to find someone who you can love unconditional. When you love unconditionally, you love the person no matter what. The first step to being in a healthy marriage is being in a love filled married. For you to love your wife unconditionally you first have to like who you are. For you to give love, you have to be satisfied with yourself. If you are not satisfied with who you are, then you will have insecure that get in the way of your marriage and relationship. Loving unconditionally may be every hard for some because they cannot love themselves. Insecurities can put a lot of wear and tear into the relationship.

The next step to loving unconditionally is finding your beliefs. You have to have a spiritual feelings towards something. Regardless of what religion that you pursue, you should be able to find strength, support, and a higher feeling when you believe in something. When you believe in something bigger than yourself you are able to see all the things that are right in front of you. You will be able to see all of those who care and love you. You will also be able to recognize that love and give it back. You will be able to feel love and to send others love.

For you to be in a relationship that is unconditionally filled with love you have to find someone who you think you could love for the rest of your life. You need to find someone who you have a true connection to. However, loving unconditionally does not mean that you give into everything. Some things that your mate will do will be devastating to your marriage. Rather it be stealing money from you, having an affair, or just doing things that aren’t appropriate for married couples, you may find that you love has it’s limits. When it comes to betrayal or deceit, they are two exceptions. Loving unconditionally means that your wife can crash your pickup and you don’t get upset for the pickup sake. It’s about still caring for her when she burns dinner or gains five pounds, if you can love without concern to change then you can love unconditionally.

There are no steps to love. You can’t learn how to love unconditionally. You just love. A lot of people will step into a marriage blindly, but they were just in love. Sometimes it works out and some times it doesn’t. So how do you know the different between love and lust? Love and lust have a thin line dividing them. Love is when you’d do and say anything to have that person in your life. Lust is when you’d say or do anything to be “close” to them. When you have figured out that you are in love you have to ask yourself a question. Could you allow her to destroy your prized possessions and not think twice about them? Could you move across the country for them? Would you support their every move? If you can then you already love unconditionally.

To love unconditionally you have to be completely open and honest. You have to let the person see who you are and allow them to accept you. You have to be willing to express your ideas and your feelings to this person. You have to be free of all insecurities to be completely in love. To love unconditionally you have to be completely honest with your wife and with yourself. You cannot have any hidden agenda or motives. You need to be in the relationship because you need to be around the person, not because you think it might make you whole or that you might get ahead with your career. Love is not something you learn, it’s just something that you do.

It’s hard to love and trust someone, but without trust you’ll never be able to love. You need to take inconsideration of their thoughts, needs, and feelings so that you can be the ultimate support system (even if you are against the idea). In addition, you need to learn how to love yourself. You will never learn how to love if you can’t look in a mirror in accept yourself. How can your wife accept you, if you cannot? You have to get the thought of making yourself love unconditionally. You either do or do not. To find out if you truly love them unconditionally, you have to think of some of the most horrible situations and then ask yourself would you care about the situation or her.

It means to be fully present, in every single moment. To be fully aware. To be fully open, honest, transparent. It means to be fully willing, to express the love that is in your heart full out. To be fully loving means to be fully naked, without hidden agenda or hidden motive, without hidden anything.

And you say that it is possible for human beings, for regular people like me, to achieve such love? This is something of which we are all capable?

It is more than that of which you are capable. It is that which you are. This is the nature of Who You Are. The most difficult thing that you do is to deny that. And you are doing this difficult thing every day. It is why your life feels so difficult. Yet when you do the easy thing, when you decide to come from, to be, Who You Really Are - which is pure love, unlimited and unconditioned-then your life becomes easy again. All the turmoil disappears, all the struggle goes away.

This peace may be achieved in any given moment. The way to it may be found by asking a simple question:

What would love do now?

This is a marvelous question, because you will always know the answer. It is like magic. It is cleansing, like a soap. It takes the worry out of being close. It washes away all doubt, all fear. It bathes the mind with the wisdom of the soul.

What a good way of putting that.

It is true. When you ask this question, you will know instantly what to do. In any circumstance, under any condition, you will know. You will be given the answer. You are the answer, and asking the question brings forth that part of you.

Do not second-guess this answer when it instantly comes to you. When you second-guess is when you fool yourself - and can make a fool of yourself. Go into the heart of love, and come from that place in all your choices and decisions, and you will find peace.

Christian Marriage Counseling - 10 Things You Can Do Now to

If you want to improve your relationship, you don’t have to wait. Take a look at the following suggestions I have that can make major shifts in your relationship.

Before you try to put these ideas to work, make sure to be patient with yourself in the process. Change is possible in any relationship, but it requires dedication and persistence. If you have trouble implementing these principles on your own, consider investing in marriage therapy.

Marriage improvement isn’t always linear or clearly observed. Since the unconscious agenda of committed relationships is to help us finish growing up, don’t expect it all to happen overnight. It is a life-long journey. This being said, you can make a conscious choice to start on this path, and I hope some of these ideas may lead the way.

1) Stop all forms of blaming, shaming, or criticizing your partner. Criticism is the adult version of crying, our natural, built-in distress signal that we used to get our parents’ attention. As adults, our infantile shrieking comes out as words and we believe that inflicting our partners with pain will get them to meet our needs. In reality, when you inflict pain on your partner, you make it more difficult for her to stretch and accommodate your needs.

2) Don’t wait for your partner to guess what you need. This worked for us as infants. Our parents responded to our cries and intuited what we needed. This is the definition of an unconscious relationship. You won’t get what you really need from your partner unless you are willing to move into a conscious relationship; one in which you say what you need without inflicting pain on your partner.

3) Do 3-5 caring behaviors for your partner every day with no strings attached. When you first fell in love you were probably doing dozens of caring behaviors each day for each other. Gradually, as our idealized image of our partner is replaced with reality, we do fewer and fewer caring behaviors. If left in a relationship devoid of caring behaviors, we find other things or people to give us pleasure, making an emotional separation that often flowers into real separation. You can change this. Start remembering what your partner likes, and start doing it. If you can’t remember, ask!

4) Close all exits. You open an exit in your relationship when, instead of telling your partner what you need, you withdraw or put your energy somewhere else. The relationship won’t get better until you put your energy back within its bounds. There are an infinite variety of exits, but common ones are affairs, friendships, work, religion, children, alcohol/drugs and hobbies. Discuss with your partner how you can gradually commit to close your exits together.

5) Know thyself. Your partner may be pushing your buttons, but how did your buttons get there in the first place? No matter how much you may think that other people in your position would be hurt by what your partner does, this thinking only diminishes your power. Take ownership of the way your unique experiences in life have left you hurt and reactive to certain things your partner does. Admitting that you are sensitive in some areas will necessarily induce you to become articulate about what you need rather than expecting someone else to figure it out for you.

6) Remember that your partner is not an extension of you. We fall in love feeling that we are one with our partner. It feels so good that our brains literally get high. We thus minimize our differences and forget that we are two totally separate people. After the intoxication of romance predictably fades, the conflict we encounter may be traced back to our definition of love as being “when you see/do things my way.” Learn from the wisdom of Kahlil Gibran, who said in The Prophet, “…let there be spaces in your togetherness. And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”

7) Let the sun go down on your anger. The old adage that you have to resolve your differences before going to bed does not factor in brain research that suggests otherwise. When you feel yourself getting angry or frustrated with your partner, your body may be in what is known as diffuse physiological arousal or DPA. Every major system in your body gets prepared to fight, run, or freeze in place. As social creatures we are genetically wired to mirror the emotions of those around us, so DPA in one partner quite naturally triggers DPA in the other. Bottom line: You won’t improve your relationship while in DPA. Both of you have to learn to notice your own arousal levels and take responsibility to sooth yourself (and allow your partner to do so without pursuing them). Take a break that does not include ruminating about the issue that triggered the state of DPA. Agree together when the break will be over before taking the break.

8) Become a good listener. It’s amazing how people respond more positively to you when you make them feel heard. Generally, people relax and become more willing to do things for you. See if you can notice the people in your life who make you feel heard. Pay attention to what they are doing. You will likely find that real listening is incredibly hard work and requires much discipline and practice. The best (and hardest) tool to practice listening is called mirroring. You may try casual mirroring at first; the goal is for the person talking to not notice you are doing it. To do casual mirroring, summarize out loud what you are hearing from your partner; ask them if you are getting it correctly (and listen to any clarifications), then invite them to tell you more. Do not interrupt with your own thoughts until they tell you they have nothing more to say. (This skill can work wonders when applied to someone experiencing DPA because it is exceedingly difficult to argue with someone that is trying to make you feel heard).

9) Receive attempts at repair. According to marriage researcher John Gottman, couples who have long, successful relationships are ones that notice and receive their partner’s bid for connection before, during and after arguments. If you hear your partner say “you’re right,” or if she pays you a compliment, take notice of how you receive it. Do you deflect, or outright reject, these efforts to connect? According to Gottman, couples who are no longer open to their partner’s repair attempts may move predictably into what he calls the “distance-isolation cascade,” marked by increasing withdrawal from the relationship. If you are harboring unresolved hurt that makes it too difficult to accept your partner’s bid for connection, find ways to talk about it. If that is too difficult, you need the help of a therapist.

10) Become the partner that you want to have. It’s easier said than done, but try to turn your critical eye from your partner to you. Instead of complaining that your partner doesn’t pay you the attention you want, ask yourself, “If I were my partner, what kind of attention would he want me to pay him?” Then try to do it. It’s the Golden Rule with a twist: Do unto others the way they would want it done unto them. Notice it is not necessarily the way you would want it done for you.

Keith Miller, MSW is a couples’ therapist in Washington, DC. As a Certified Imago Relationship Therapist he helps couples forge a partnership of hope and grace in their life together. He is available for individual and couples therapy. Contact him and read more relationship articles at: Keith Miller Counseling (Washington, DC) - Home.

Christian Marriage Counseling

Christian marriage counseling offers assistance to a married couple on the basis of Christian values and principles. The curriculum of a Christian marriage counseling program generally uses powerful Biblical themes together with proven practical skills. It helps married couples having troubled relationships understand each another and god better. Christian marriage counseling helps the couple obey the commandments and other principles of the scriptures, and submit themselves completely to the will of God.

Churches and pastoral counselors provide Christian marriage counseling. It can be helpful at any stage of the marriage and even before the marriage. It is always better to seek the help of marriage counseling services at the beginning stage itself. Christian marriage counseling mainly involves three things - dealing with problems such as communication failure, handling common issues that spoil a relationship, and bringing back godly marriage principles to the wedlock. Christian marriage counseling reminds the couples of the sanctity of the marital commitment and helps in refocusing their lives. The Christian counselor enlightens the partners on the word of god and helps find solutions to various problems and issues. He teaches that that true marriage is not a mere contract between a man and a woman, and that true marriages take place only in Jesus Christ.

Many Christian marriage counseling programs employ research-based curriculum that combines skills and education to help couples strengthen and sustain their marriage. Most Christian marriage counseling programs teach the couple the foundations of a Christian marriage. A number of agencies conduct Christian workshops and seminars also to supplement other Christian marriage counseling programs.

A Christian marriage counseling program is the best bet when the couples face problems connected with how to raise the children or one of the partners has problems with cocaine or alcohol. Christian marriage counseling services are available in person or by phone.

Marriage Counseling provides detailed information on Marriage Counseling, Christian Marriage Counseling, Family Marriage Counseling, Free Marriage Counseling and more. Marriage Counseling is affiliated with Marriage Problems.

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